right now

i'm feeling a little down. no wait scratch that, i'm actually feeling really down.

it just suddenly hit me, mood swings i suppose. i'm sad about a lot of things, things which you people would probably already know about and things that only i know about. i'm sick of being sad, sick of lamenting and constantly have this overwhelming thoughts of self pity. i'm sick of being like this cause i know i should be grateful and i am. or least, i try to be.

but have you ever just feel like crying out loud, feel your tears all over your face and shout and throw things? have you ever felt like the whole world is against you? have you ever felt like nothing ever goes your way and you're doomed unlucky bitch? have you ever felt like you're putting on a show your whole entire life? have you ever felt like you have absolutely no one to trust? have you ever felt that people never give you a chance?

have you ever thought about ending your life but you never had enough courage to take it? have you ever dreamt big dreams and realize your chance of achieving them are close to zero? have you ever been to a completely new place with new hopes and end up have people judging everything you do and who you hang out with? have you ever felt like a big joke?

 have you ever felt so scared thinking about what your future holds? have you ever felt like you have to work twice as hard for other people to notice your worth? have you ever got tired from keeping your guards up constantly because you've been hurt too many times before? have you ever trusted someone so easily and became close friends, only  have them back stab you? have you ever fallen head over heels several times for the wrong guys? have you ever felt so sad and you can't do anything about it besides writing them down on your blog?

have you ever felt like you're never good enough?

WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

what up?

massive apologies for the lack of updates.

my phone and macbook have been taken away *sad* until next monday (i think)..life's the same, went for my 2nd business retake papers today and they were hmm, okay. i'm not positive that its going to be higher than my previous papers but whatever. its not like i care anyway haha.

will not blog much, gonna fill up this entire post with intriguing pics & gifs i found on tumblr..its gonna be hella long haha (: ENJOY

isn't she gorgeous? love her. 

mm..yummy

i hate..

fake people. the moment you think they're sweet, nice, friendly and genuine, they turn their backs to you and prove you wrong. saw a tweet from this girl i followed, she said something about how the older your grow the more you'd realize how fake people can be. i couldn't have agreed more.

i hate people who get annoyed with me, and go round throwing catty remarks about me without clearing things up with me first. shows exactly how "high" their level of maturity is, don't wanna bother or think its a waste of time clearing things up with me?

that's cool, but you should really just

but you know

andddd,

on a happier note, staying with one my bestfriends and her family at the nexus resort villa at the end of the month when the stepmum and little sister heads off for their singapore trip. excited!! :D

xoxo

ps/ i know you're reading this lol. since you go round talkking shit bout me without clearing anything up with me and leaving me confused. then imma do the exact same thing, freedom of speech right? elle oh elle darling. 

things & more

this is going to be a pretty lengthy post, go get some coffee (;

i feel like i haven't blog about my feelings for awhile now. i'm putting my challenge posts on hold now by the way, haven't been motivated enough to do any of them yet.

life's been typically boring and slow for me. i'm basically on a "holiday" till mid june (thats when i graduate), so what i do at home consists of eating, sleeping, going online, picking my little sister up from school and working out. thats it. its very monotonous.

its so boring that i actually wanna go work. but i can't cause i'm still in the middle of my A-Levels exam, but i will..as soon as i'm done with college. i just wanna go out and be productive, meet new people, experience new things and make money while doing so.

i'm especially excited to leave for singapore too. i've said this a trillion times, but i'm so desperate that i'm repeating myself to emphasize how desperate i truly am.

anyway i'm going to talk about bullying, if you're not comfortable or am easily bored with this subject then please stop reading here.

 i was chatting with a friend few days ago. "D" <- i'll name my friend this as i don't wanna enclose the gender. anyway, D told me alot of things. very very typical things, in fact. what typical things? well, if you've been reading my twitter you'd know that i recently got frustrated about some things.

some people just would not stop talking. i've been through this a million times. D told me things, i wasn't shocked cause i've heard those things being talked about me for like, a million times. fucking bitch, bitch, drama queen, attention seeker, airhead, self-absorbed. labels given to me, but i'm cool with that.

what frustrates me is how persistent and how much of a loser these people are. the fact that they're still talking about makes them a loser, and another fact that they're not even close to me..makes them a bigger loser.

when will people stop being so gullible and stop believing every word thats fed to them? when will people stop judging someone's character based on what other people say.

the whole world can call me a selfish, ignorant, bossy bitch but if you treat me right, you might just be that one person i will not be a bitch to. and may i emphasize again on how nobody's perfect?

i'm not only saying this for myself. i'm saying this for all the other girls out there. stop fucking judging, i know its hard to stop cause its hard for me too. at times i still find myself judging other people and i'd feel like such a huge hypocrite.

losers will have everything to say about you ; how you talk, how you walk, how you present yourself up in the internet, who you make friends with and so on. they think they got their shit together but really, they're the ones who're mighty insecure. i can guarantee you that even your closest friends talk shit about you. how i know? past experience.

thats a fact, so don't come telling me that "oh i've got friends who back me up and they love me and we're so close we'll never talk about each other"...oh really?

& another thing that i hate is that, besides attacking me "online" and calling me names and spreading shit about me..these "losers" even attack the people i associate with. please don't do that, you won't make me a loner by doing that. you won't make me friendless by doing that either.

because there's actually this species called "real people" out there who're not fake, stuck up and manipulative like you are. i'm more than thankful to have people who tell me "oh you know..i've heard stuff about you, but i don't think you're like that. i don't judge people" i really appreciate everyone one of you (: you know who you are.

i just wished that one day people who stop saying "oh i've heard things about you..." but then again, i'm already bullet-proof.

i was such a fragile girl. but all these things made me stronger and made me realize how cruel some people can be, it also made me fight for what i want and to be a bigger person because not everyone can be one. i used to think that being a bigger person meant i was the loser, so i fought back but the losers loved it more when i did that.

bullying is not something that should be taken lightly. which is why i constantly blog about this topic every once in a while in my blog. there are people who actually die from online bullying...i know right? its only online, you'd think, how much damage can it do? oh let me tell you, it can end someones life. i'm thankful for God has given me strength to not end up dead.

some girls think i have it all. they say i'm pretty, they say i have all these guys going after me, they say i live in a big house, they say i own these nice stuff, they say i have a good life. but one thing they sure won't know, behind all these things..i'm actually bullied. i've opened up to a few close people and almost all of them were shocked.

how do you deal? are you serious? you gotta be kidding me? no, you don't even look or act like you've been bullied? those were the questions asked. i just thank God. without Him, i don't even know where i'd be now.

bullies think its so cool. they think they live the lives like the girls in Gossip Girl. hello?? wake up call. yea, you may have all the lavish goods. study at an elite school or you're popular or some shit like that. but life, as we all know it, is not like Gossip Girl. you aren't the only "Queen Bee" of this world and people don't bow down to you (as much as i think you'd love them to)..in fact, the actors and actress of Gossip Girls don't even live like that.

yea, ACTORS and ACTRESSES.

bullying is not something you have to live with. i'm sure everyone have gone through some kind of bullying in their life. be it from parents, siblings, friends, or even complete strangers (or as i like to call them, LOSERS). you don't have to stand up for yourself and beat the crap out of them or return their vicious behaviour. all you have to do is pray, ignore and live your life. whether to stand up or not, its your choice but there are alternatives. and i, personally, prefer the latter.

i believe in the saying "what goes around, comes around"..i know its true cause i've seen karma in action before.  her most recent act would be mid last year, but thats not something i'd elaborate on. so do keep that in mind the next time you wanna bully someone.

what happened to me six years ago, i believe was my karma and also, a life lesson. i was pretty horrible as a child. i guess i got what i deserved and it taught me a priceless lesson. i'm not exactly proud of it but thats something i have to live with for the rest of my life. i still have people treating me differently because of what happened, they themselves are scared of being judged. they fear to be seen with me because it makes them seem uncool, but thats fine. it just shows how superficial they really are.

oh, and please don't bother leaving a rude comment on this post. i've dealt with bigger bitches and i've heard worse, so really..save your time, don't bother.

i know a few people on tumblr and blogosphere who're successful and "online famous", they get bullied the same way i did. i see them entertain those questions with such grace and "i don't give a flippin fuck attitude". reading their response makes me feel a whole lot better. people will always have something to talk about.

so just live your life. after all, you only live once (;

picture updates x